Align Desires with Documents
I’ve been developing a conference presentation on how pieces of advice I received while settling an estate were often technically accurate but didn’t consider the holistic responsibilities of the executor, leading me to research on my own to get the full picture. I’ll share more on the topic later — but in the meantime, I’m sharing an article from my archive.
Takeaways:
Spoken desires about wills and inheritances are not legally binding.
Align your paperwork with your intentions.
A Conversation with a Clear Message
This weekend, I spoke with one of my friend’s neighbors. We’ll call her Brenda and let you know she’s a mom and the youngest of 13 children.
Estate activity came up (imagine that! — though I did not initiate the topic). Brenda told me my friend and me that she was planning for her estate in a much different way than her mother.
Planning Now to Make Desires Fulfilled Later
Brenda told me she placed her heirs’ names on her financial accounts. We happened to be in a noisy restaurant housed in a restored mill, which has an excellent design aesthetic with poor acoustics. I didn’t get all the details as a result.
From what I know, there are a couple of simple ways to “put heirs on financial accounts.” One is to make your accounts joint with your children. This approach makes sense in some cases but could be risky in others (your children can now control your money!).
The second way, which I think she was suggesting, was making the accounts TOD (transfer on death) and specifying beneficiaries. In this way, the money flows directly to beneficiaries rather than going through probate.
Brenda is at least 10 years younger than me, and even though folks should plan as early as possible, I was still intrigued that she was planning ahead, enough to bring it up in casual conversation.
Our Experiences Often Shape Our Estate Plans
The reason for her conscientiousness and method soon emerged. Brenda’s mother had told her that she wanted her wealth distributed to all the kids equally. But her mom’s paperwork specified something else: her mom willed her money to the eldest child with the plan for the eldest to give each child his or her share.
You don’t have to have a wild imagination to figure out what happened, or rather what didn’t happen: what the mom wanted. Instead, big sis got all the money and no one else got anything.
I’ve read about such scenarios in Quora fairly often. The parent thinks this approach is the simplest and trusts the oldest child.
Family Fallout Isn’t Just Possible, It’s Likely
Even if the eldest is trustworthy and earnest, this plan is problematic.
Foreseeable problems include the oldest with loads of debt, perhaps a student loan in delinquency, back taxes, or a prior judgment. The money could be spoken for before it’s split with the siblings. Alternatively, the other children may be difficult to track down – estrangement among family members isn’t uncommon.
Further, it may be that the oldest gets all the assets but only after the debts are paid by the estate, so the amount of money distributed is much less than the siblings believe. Family drama ensues.
Asking someone to distribute money without any legal or financial safeguards for that person (the eldest) is fraught with headaches and confusion, much like the probate process. But at least probate is transparent and honors the parent’s wishes.
A Safer Way to Show Love, In Writing
Brenda’s story is a powerful reminder that good intentions aren’t enough when it comes to estate planning. Whether you’re dealing with a modest sum or a substantial estate, relying on informal promises — or expecting one child to receive and then handle distribution fairly — invites disappointment and resentment.
If you want your legacy to be a gift to bind families rather than a source of conflict, make sure the paperwork aligns with your deepest desires.
Have you encountered unclear messages about an inheritance?