Disciplined Generosity

giving with intention, without creating expectation

Takeaways:

• Gifts should be received gladly, not subject to scrutiny.

• Develop a giving approach that reflects your values and capacity.

Recently, I read After the Funeral: A Practical Memoir for Administering Your Loved One’s Estate by Eileen Moynihan. One of the chapters covers sorting through paperwork and delves into the checkbook registers of Eileen’s mom.

Rather than berate her mom posthumously for the piles of paper, Eileen revels in the information uncovered and the insights received.

The Discipline of Fairness

One of the things that struck me was an unusual practice of the author’s mother. Whenever the mother gave money to one child, she then issued “equalization” checks to the other two children, all detailed in the checkbook’s register.

All of the kids received support for their college tuition bills, funding for braces, and so on. For many parents in the 1960s, such practices were typical — if the expenses were considered priorities and affordable.

This mom went above and beyond in terms of fairness. Though the specifics weren’t detailed, I imagine if an adult child needed help with a medical bill, car downpayment, or business startup expense, the mother may gift money to the child. Then, she’d write a check to the other two children to make sure everyone received the same financial benefit, despite being in different financial circumstances.

I’ll admit I thought this practice was odd when I read the book, even though my parents often wanted to make sure their three children were treated equally. They paid our college bills to the state university and wedding expenses with simple church receptions. Though the price seems miniscule to costs today, covering these expenses required sacrifice and intention.

I imagine the author’s mother also sacrificed, and valued fairness and family harmony over the cost.

While I don’t think family harmony should rely on equalization, as I hear others’ stories about family favoritism (or perceived favoritism), I see the mother’s point.

What stands out to me is that the mother let everyone know the exact amount she’s giving to one and all.

When Generosity Gets Complicated

Recently, I became aware of a situation in which an adult child believes that she is being treated unfairly when my friend (the parent) makes small gifts to the adult child’s sibling. The first child then asks for significant gifts, arguing she’s owed the money because of the mom’s generosity to the sibling.

What’s problematic (beyond the guilt-inducing plea) is that the ledger isn’t clean. The demanding child has received much more financial benefit over time. Not only are the accounts not equalized, but also family harmony isn’t happening.

From this perspective, I can see why Eileen’s mom equalized these accounts. She had to decide whether she could afford not only to give a financial gift to one but to all, requiring careful thought and excellent money management. It also allowed her to demonstrate her equal love for each child while she was alive and afterward, as the estate proceeds were split equally.

Giving with Clarity, Love, and Freedom

My dream for everyone — especially moms of the world — is that we can give freely and generously when we feel so led, whether we equalize or not, without guilt or comparison. I hope our giving is guided by wisdom and capacity, not by pressure or expectation.

What generosity has surprised and gladdened you?